


Go to the Mountains

by cembular



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt Spock, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Original Character Death(s), Protective Kirk, Sad, Vulcan, married, oldmarriedspirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-04 07:23:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5325566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cembular/pseuds/cembular
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim and Spock arrive to Vulcan to visit an ill Amanda, only to be informed that Amanda has already passed on before they even have a chance to say goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Go to the Mountains

**Author's Note:**

> My first submission to the AMAZING OMS challenge! It's late because I wrote about 10 other fics and threw them out each time because something was very off about each one. <3
> 
> Thank you to Plaidshirtjimkirk for betaing this fic, and supporting me through a rough time with this challenge lol, <3 She's seriously so amazing! Also she created this challenge in the first place so I want to thank her for that as well, because ... honestly.... there's SO much OMS stuff now because of it and I'm SO EXCITED about it! :D Check out her submission to the challenge and other great stories [here](http://archiveofourown.org/users/plaidshirtjimkirk/works) !!! <3
> 
> I hope everyone likes this sad little fic -.- and I'm sorry if theres any sad feels at the end. 3 I hate killing off characters or writing about this stuff... but I felt a pressing need to write this. 
> 
> <3 Live Long and Prosper Friends <3

**Go to the Mountains**

 

Jim nearly limped to the front gate, his hand latching on firmly as he took some of the weight off his feet. They had been up and moving for nearly the entire morning after they had beamed down to the surface of Vulcan.

He sighed in exhaustion, resting for a moment as Spock proceeded through the gates.

It was no surprise that Spock was so drawn to his old home. They had received a message two weeks ago with the news of Amanda’s ill condition, and taken the first shuttle they could that was headed in Vulcan’s direction. It was also predictable that Spock had remained extremely tight-lipped the entire journey.

Spock was already halfway up the path leading to the large front doors of Sarek and Amanda’s home, and Jim took that moment to marvel at the extravagant architecture of the building before him--then admired the neatly kept front yard, a chime jangling in the far distance somewhere along a window sill, no doubt. As Jim had been informed, Amanda was very fond of the wildlife on Vulcan.

Jim followed his bondmate as Spock knocked on the doors, waiting patiently and quietly for a response. And though Spock’s home wasn’t necessarily a loud area, there was something strangely disquieting about it, as though Jim could feel Amanda’s worsening condition beyond the doors, and for that, the world around their home calmed significantly.

Spock peered down at his dark robes, his hands clasped behind his back while a look of concentration and frustration covered his face. Jim reached his hand up, nearly touching Spock’s shoulder. “Spock, is everything…” but he was cut off by the sound of the large doors opening wide.

Behind the large doors was a man looking quite similar to Sarek with blank expression over his face. He glared at both Jim and Spock, his gaze holding longer over Spock as he clearly remembered him.

“Spock,” the Vulcan greeted flatly, his eyes traveling to Jim who was smirking gently back at him. “This must be your bondmate James Kirk. I have heard much about you, Captain.” the Vulcan stated, looking him up and down before moving aside to let them both in.

“Thank you,” Jim replied as he stepped inside. Unfortunately, the air within Sarek’s home was no different than the air outside. It was still hot, dry, and miserable for any human, causing Jim’s mind to wonder how Amanda ever lived with conditions such as this.

“My name is Sasek,” Sasek introduced to Jim, “I am a cousin of Sarek’s.” He furthered as he set their bags aside.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Jim smiled gently, trying not to exert too much emotion in the presence of Spock’s people. He did not want to come across as innapropriate, only for Spock’s sake. He knew of the struggle Spock had faced due to his partial heritage, and Jim knew that the very little emotion he ever showed had been shamed by the other Vulcans. Jim had no desire to test the Vulcan before him for such bigotry.

Sasek motioned for them to follow down the hall, turning swiftly into a room on their right, one Jim had remembered on one of his visits to Vulcan. In fact, it had been this very room which Jim and Spock had informed Sarek and Amanda of their official bond...news which Jim had recalled was very pleasing to Amanda.

 _‘I knew you would be the one,’_ Amanda had said all those years ago when she had Jim alone in this very room. Jim couldn’t help but smile as he took a seat next to Spock on the loveseat by the large windows overlooking the back porch, and the beautiful Vulcan landscape.

“I shall inform Sarek of your arrival,” Sasek informed as he left the room, leaving Jim and Spock alone on the sofa.

Several minutes passed, and neither of them spoke a word. Jim leaned forward in his seat, wiping the sweat from his face with his hand, until he realized he could not ruin the suit he was wearing in order to dry his hands. Suddenly, a tissue was passed to Jim, and he traced it back to Spock who was giving him a look of concern.

“Are you alright, Jim?” Spock asked quietly as Jim took the tissue from him and began dabbing his face and neck.

“I’m alright,” Jim huffed, feeling as though just one sheet wasn’t doing much to assist in his efforts. He turned to Spock and gave him an agitated roll of his eyes. He then smirked softly, leaning over to him so that he could speak quietly. “I’m going to go freshen up, unless you want me to stay here until Sarek comes…”

“It is alright. You may depart to take care of yourself,” Spock insisted, looking over Jim’s heated body with a hint of guilt.

Jim gave him a reassuring wink. “I’ll be right back.” He then got up from the couch and headed out the way they came, trying to remember the layout from all those years ago. As he recalled, there should have been a bathroom down the hall and then somewhere on the left. Once he started traveling down that way, the layout began to make a lot more sense.

He entered the room, closing the door gently behind him. After taking care of some biological needs, Jim proceeded to the sink where he washed his hands in spice scented soap, and then cupped the cool water into his hands before splashing it over his feverish skin. He sighed, in relief.

He turned the faucet again, stopping the water from flowing. He tried to manually wipe the excess water from his face, before searching for a towel, so that he did not drip any among the counter.

Jim took the soft towel in his hands, and dabbed it over his face. He sighed into the fabric, opening his eyes to see his aging reflection looking back at him. He wondered for a moment, what Spock had found so appealing of him in this form. As Spock had managed to stay handsome, lean and fit for all these years, what stopped him from looking elsewhere for the kind of things Jim no longer could offer him?

Jim smiled. The answer was that they were simply meant to be together. The universe always assured it.

Suddenly, there was a disturbance in the bond. Something was horribly wrong with Spock as a spark of shock, discomfort, confusion, and above all, sadness had came bombarding against Jim’s mind, almost as though Spock was reaching for him. Jim tossed the towel onto the counter, only to realize, Spock had tightly secluded his end of the link, no doubt attempting to spare Jim from experiencing those dreaded emotions he was now facing in solitude.

Jim rushed out from the bathroom, trying to find his way back to Spock. When he finally arrived, Jim saw Sarek standing in front of Spock, his hands tightly pressed behind him. Jim studied Spock’s face as their gazes met, Spock’s quickly darting to the doorway.

Spock took a few steps to the door, looking up the wall at the top of a bookshelf but it remained unknown what exactly he was focusing on. Jim was more concerned by the way Sarek turned to him, with heavy bags hanging from his eyes. He gave Jim a solemn nod.

“James Kirk,” he greeted respectfully, turning to acknowledge him better.

“Sarek,” Jim acknowledged in the same, his eyes widening with concern. “What’s going on?” He walked further into the room, watching Spock’s avoidant body language.

There was no reply for a brief moment as both Vulcans sighed dejectedly.

“What’s going on?” Jim asked again, standing in the middle of the room, his heart racing painfully in his chest. When he finally realized Amanda’s absence, Jim’s heart froze and everything went silent as his eyes wandered to Spock.

“Amanda has passed,” Sarek finally informed, and Spock’s head lowered.

Jim shook his head, blinking as he felt like a stun ray had caught him right in the chest. His body was rigid with disbelief.

“I’m… so sorry,” Jim managed to say as he sighed, looking back to the window Sarek was approaching in silence. “When did this happen?”

“She passed eleven days ago, _peacefully_ as she slept,” Sarek explained, the sun beating against his face through the glass.

Jim swallowed hard, standing by Sarek, his entire body covered in sweat again from the discomfort of the situation they were all in. Hearing of Amanda’s death made Jim feel as though he were bitterly cold on the inside, but surrounded by layers of heat against his body on the out.

He wanted to support Sarek with a hand against his back, or to firmly squeeze his shoulder. But both these gestures were surely going to be offensive for someone like Sarek. Jim simply placed his hands in his pocket, staring down to the floor in disbelief.

Jim’s mind begged Spock for entrance, wanting him to open up to him only so he could share with Spock his own experience of losing a loved one. He wanted to show Spock that he himself was living proof that things get better.

Spock’s end remained firmly blocked.

“We did not inform you both of her death since you were already en route to Vulcan. She had passed much earlier than our physician had assumed,” Sarek said his eyes still inspecting the backyard through the window.

“Has there already been a service for her?” Jim asked, running his hand through his sweat slicked hair.

“We have already held the ceremony in her honour, Captain. We could not wait for your arrival,” Sarek answered closing his eyes.

Jim nodded his head, feeling almost nauseous from the grief he felt for Sarek. He _knew_ what it was like to lose a bondmate, as he himself had lost Spock years ago. Jim had watched as life had moved from Spock, and had no way of holding him in those moments. And in the days that had followed Spock’s death, Jim remembered feeling as though half his soul had been missing, lost somewhere on the planet Genesis where they had launched Spock’s body.

A lump painfully formed in Jim’s throat as he remembered the sleepless nights he had spent willing himself to stay awake so that he would not be bombarded with images of Spock doused in radiation--so he wouldn’t be able to see Spock as he slept, but had no way of touching him. If Sarek had felt even a fraction of what Jim had felt in that time, he felt incredible sympathy for him. It was a wound that only the return of a loved one could heal.

“Spock has left.” A voice came from across the room, causing Jim and Sarek to turn in acknowledgment. Suddenly, Jim realized that Spock was no longer standing by the doorway. Only Jim and Sarek remained in the room with Sasek.

Jim took a few steps forward looking at Sasek with concerned eyes. “Where did he go?” Jim asked, walking by Sasek to look into the hall. He gently searched for Spock through the link, wondering where he could have gotten to so quickly.

“I had passed him in the hall, however he did not stop when I called,” Sasek reported, as Jim eased back into the room.

Jim opened his mouth to respond until Sarek began talking again from over by the window. “I believe he is on his way to Mount Resha-Tor.” He did not move as Jim quickly arrived his side, looking over his shoulder to a dark figure of a person walking through the sandy plains into the distance.

“He had always travelled to those mountains as a child, leaving for hours on end until I forbade it,” Sarek explained, a heavy but silent sigh causing him to slump slightly.

Jim quickly jerked away, hurrying out the door passed Sasek. He heard the elder Vulcan call after him as he reached the front door.

“Where are you going, Captain?” Sasek asked, standing in the hall staring down at him. Apparently, the aspect of following Spock was unheard of for the strict Vulcan who stood a few paces behind him.

“I’m not letting him be on his own,” Jim explained shortly and walked quickly out the door, fast enough to avoid hearing Sasek’s last remarks.

Jim started down out the door in a brisk walk, until he reached the gate where he decided to move into a casual jog, which ended with him sprinting after Spock.

“Spock!” Jim called out, placing his hands around his mouth to amplify the sound. He gasped for air from sprinting in his old age and the thinner Vulcan atmosphere. He took a deep breath and tried again, “Spock!”

There was no difference; Spock seemed to be completely zoned out, still walking with seemingly no direction.

Jim tore off his suit jacket, the heat becoming too much for him to bear. But even with the hot Vulcan sun peering down on him, Jim still managed to press on, tossing his jacket to the sand somewhere without thought.

“Spock! Wait!” Jim called out again, taking off the tie he had wound around his collar. It too was tossed into the sand to join his jacket.  

Spock stopped where he was, looking up at a steep hike up Mount Resha-Tar. Jim knew this because of their previous visit; Spock and he had hiked a great deal of it together, with Spock explaining much of its history to Jim on the way up. However, halfway up the mountain Jim and Spock had grown tired and rested on a ledge until the sun was setting, and for the sake of safety, they travelled down together again, promising to one day finish their journey to the top.

Jim rolled up his sleeves as he rushed to Spock’s side. His breath was short and laboured, but still not as dangerous as his first trip to Vulcan when he had passed out from the thinness in the air. Luckily, prior to this visit, Jim managed to snag a few hypos recommended by McCoy, and they seemed to help a great deal with his breathing.

Spock did not look to Jim, or acknowledge him in anyway. He simply stood there as Jim reached his side. He could see Spock’s eyes close helplessly, and Jim couldn’t help but see him as the child...so much more human than he had ever seen him before.

“Spock,” Jim huffed, still trying to catch his breath. He could feel the sweat staining his white dress shirt, but he couldn’t care less. All that mattered in the moment was joining his thoughts with Spock’s and knowing what exactly was going on within that brilliant mind of his.

“Spock, why did you leave?” Jim asked, running his hand through his own sweat slicked hair.

But there was no instant reply, as Spock looked up the mountain with care and admiration. Then, he finally turned to look at Jim quietly. “You have come to take me back home…” he assumed, looking down at his robe which was moving slightly with the wind. It had been a pristine black the moment they arrived at Sarek’s home, but Jim could now see the upswept bits of sand coating it and causing it to look almost faded.

“No,” Jim replied, “I came to see if you were alright.”

“And then you will take me home,” Spock filled in the blanks, looking back up to the mountain before him.

 _‘They always do_ ,’ came the silent response through their restricted bond, and Jim furrowed his brows in confusion.

“Spock…” Jim muttered over the wind, squinting from the sun as he tried to look at Spock’s face. The crease between his brow prominently expressed his frustration. “I’m sorry about your mother…”

Spock started forward again until Jim took hold of his arm, pulling him back again. Finally their eyes met, and Jim squinted as he looked into Spock’s carefully. “I’m _sorry_.”

Slowly, Spock closed his eyes, the bond shivering ever so slightly, as Jim caught a glimpse at the confusion and grief that laid beneath the surface, and Jim couldn’t help but take Spock’s hands in his own.

“I’m sorry you were the last to know of her passing,” Jim tried to keep his tone stiff and confident, but it wavered slightly in his own grief for Spock and the loss of Amanda.

Spock tried to pull away, but Jim kept him in place by holding both of Spock’s elbows. He silently searched the mysteriously bitter expression on Spock’s face. “I’m so sorry.”

“It is of no consequence,” Spock replied, his voice pathetic and soft as he stopped fighting against Jim’s hold, and stood before him breathing heavily.

Jim stared in return, watching Spock’s expanding and decompressing chest as they stood together. “I’m going to miss Amanda,” Jim finally said, his eyes glossed over as he recalled the times he had interacted with her gracefulness. There were times he had gotten to speak with her, and learn about how very much like Spock yet how unique she was all in one. He would indeed miss her.

Spock clenched his jaw, watching Jim as he furrowed his brows, trying to keep himself composed in the presence of someone who meant the universe to him. Jim held onto Spock’s arms tightly, refusing to let go as Spock attempted to turn from him once again.

“Damn it, Spock. _You_ can miss her too,” Jim emphasized, shaking his body very gently to drive his point. “She loved you, and you loved her!”

Spock froze in Jim’s arms as he soaked in those words. His hands locking in jittering fists. Slowly, Jim’s hands travelled down his arms, finally reaching Spock’s own where he cupped them in between his own. Love, devotion, reassurance, comfort--all were sent through the soft touch of their fingertips.

Spock looked down at their hands, then back to Jim’s eyes thoughtfully, and Jim watched the way Spock’s bottom lip quivered for a moment, before Spock bit down on it.

After a long moment of silence, Spock shook his head, looking to the sand that covered Jim’s shoes. He gripped Jim’s hands harder with his own, trying hard not to crush them.

“I can no longer feel her bond,” Spock managed to say, his voice raw and vulnerable. It had been the most tell thing of his inner turmoil that he had said to Jim all day.

Jim held back his own tears, feeling absolute agony in watching Spock bottle these valid expressions within himself. How unhealthy it was for him to act as though he felt nothing when in reality there was a wound the size of his heart, throbbing deep inside him, causing pain...

“I can no longer feel her…” Spock repeated, looking into Jim’s eyes. The vulnerability in them was like a punch in Jim’s gut. “She was the only one to speak with me through a bond besides you.”

Jim took Spock’s left hand, and slowly brought it to his own face, urging Spock to show him what he could not say. For a moment, Spock’s fingers hesitated, pulling back, but on his own, he eased them against Jim’s skin, his fingers shaking as they found their positioning over the meld points.

Suddenly, Jim could hear Amanda in his own mind, her hushed whisper, sounding almost like a lullabye. Hands, caressing his face and head, almost like her gentle touch was bathing him, cleaning him with warmth as well love. Jim felt his and Spock’s mind merge even further.

Now, Jim could see Amanda, running her fingers through Spock’s hair, a smile present on her face as she simply spoke to him, telling him stories of old Earth tales that Jim knew so well himself. They were stories that had piqued his own interest as a child, and as he recalled the memory with Spock, he felt his own heart long for the old days when he could find such joy in make believe.

Multiple scenes flashed before Jim’s mind, until he focussed on one which caused his heart to shatter. Spock, alone in a garden, head resting against I’Chaya, as the other children’s comments ran rampant in his mind. Words like _half-breed_ and _traitor_ intermingling to add salt to the wound, and Spock bit hard on his lower lip to stop himself from spilling tears unto I’Chaya’s fur.

And then, warm arms picked him up--a promising sensation as Amanda held him to her own body in a firm embrace, taking him gently to a room where she would listen to Spock play his lyre in peace, just the two of them. And suddenly those feelings of loneliness were set at the back of Spock’s mind.

Jim nearly pulled back from the meld, but remained immersed in it for Spock’s sake. He felt another scene in Spock’s childhood push to the forefront of Spock’s mind, the image of returning from a dangerous journey in the mountains, of being scolded by his father. Then as Amanda appeared in the doorway, her arms were around Spock’s small body in seconds, cradling him desperately into her breast as she whispered her relief in seeing him alive.

 _‘I could never tell her I loved her…’_ Words that Jim had recalled hearing Spock say for himself years ago, before they had become bondmates. Back when Spock and he were friends, and Spock was battling against his emotions, sobbing in regret.

Spock was the first to pull back, leaving only the sensation of confusion, grief, anger, and absolute despair behind as he freed Jim from his mind with a gasp. Jim’s breath was hitched once again as he almost stumbled backward from the power of Spock’s mind. He blinked a few times, staring up at Spock in bewilderment.

_‘I could never tell her I loved her…’_

What could Jim say to follow that up? He couldn’t take Spock by the hands again and apologize for the emotional affliction he had just witnessed. Jim knew that what was exposed to him was only a fraction of what Spock had seen in his life. He knew this because the countless images that crossed his mind during the meld were so incredibly overwhelming that Jim couldn’t imagine _anything_ being enough for him to say to Spock. No words could console the hurt that came with the loss of a loved one.  

Spock pursed his lips together, looking solemnly to the sand at their feet. The wind whistled around them as it picked up again, brushing their graying hair from their faces.

Jim’s hands reached for Spock, wrapping around him comfortably, and pulling him close. He felt a lump in his throat as he tried to keep himself grounded, remembering that he was supposed to be the strong one. He was supposed to be the anchor for Spock when things got out of hand.

And yet, the desperation in Spock’s thoughts...the sadness of their meld, the power of Spock’s emotions which were constrained inside that emotionless facade he created, caused Jim to spill his tears as he held Spock closer to himself. Of all his years knowing Spock, he hadn’t known some of the most important aspects of his character, some of the most damning pieces of him that made Spock who he was.

Jim buried his face unto Spock’s neck, kissing him softly there before straightening himself out and cradling Spock closer to him, similar to the way he felt Amanda do for Spock--the tight, yet comfortable way she had held him, rocking their bodies, while rubbing small circles against his back.

Spock finally loosened in Jim’s arms, and he buried his face unto Jim’s shoulder, silently letting Jim sway their bodies comfortably.

Finally, they separated on Jim’s account, and Jim took Spock’s hand in his own and moved forward, pulling Spock along.

“Where are you going, Jim?” Spock asked in a whisper, his eyes like glass, but not threatening to drip like the drying streams on Jim’s cheeks.

“Up,” Jim motioned to the top of the mountain Spock had been determined to climb earlier. And without any verbal agreement, and without saying a word at all, the two of them set off up the mountain, side by side, hand in hand.

Together, they found solitude in the silence of their ascent, and almost forgot about the pain and hardships of the day they had encountered. However, neither could forget the loving image of Amanda, and neither could deny their success of the climb to her loving memory.

And Spock found himself standing atop the mountain with his bondmate at his side, his mind trying to avoid the illogic of the emotion he was now encountering...however, he was not strong enough as the air brushed gently across his bangs, similar to the way Amanda would stroke his hair.

He closed his eyes, his mind wandering to where Amanda’s bond used to be, and he looked out across the sandy plains of Vulcan, shining an orange red from the setting sun above. He felt his mind reaching out for his mother once again, until he stopped and settled for reaching for Jim instead.

 _‘I’m here, I love you,’_ Jim reminded him, his hand supporting Spock’s back gently and with courage.

Just then, Spock turned to look at Jim, his heart pounding in his side as he watched Jim’s eyes turn to meet his, and they stared to one another wordlessly for what seemed to be hours, until suddenly Spock opened his mouth, speaking words he had never verbally communicated to Jim before. Words that Spock had learned so much about, but had feared for nearly his entire life. Words he regretted not speaking to his mother out loud.

“I love you, Jim.”

Somewhere, Amanda smiled.

-

  


**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed it! <3 Let me know what you think in the comments, or feel free to email me at iamcemxox@gmail.com, or follow me on tumblr [here](i-am-cem.tumblr.com) ! <3 
> 
> I hope everyone had a good OMS month, and enjoys all the lovely work, and hopefully next year you'll join us! :D 
> 
> Live Long and Prosper!


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